235

I am two hundred and thirty-five pounds. I have more weight on my body then money in my bank account.

I am at the beginning of my journey and I have mixed emotions about this challenge. My emotions don't come from a place of not wanting to put in the effort but comes from my fear of failing. I have never felt mentally fat, over-weight or obese. I would like to think that inside myself is a confident, fearless, driven, strong, outgoing, sexy woman. I would also like to think that she has only been hiding inside because she is way to FABULOUS for the world to understand. I have only even come face to face with these words when they were directed at me to hurt me in various arguments with people who aren't even worth wasting space in the post on. I have been hurt by those words because I know I am a good person and that was the only target able part of me. But I am tired of those words and tired of them being used and directed towards me. I am tired of being a fat girl amongst my friends, at the party, bar, club, on the dance floor or be the fat girl at the butt of everybody's jokes. I have mixed emotions because I have excitement and fear coming head to head in my brain. I'm excited because this time it feels different, I feel like I have my brain and my heart in this 100%, but I fear that temptation or laziness will win out and another birthday will pass without me being able to wear the outfit I want to or kiss the boy I want to or feel comfortable at the place I am at.

I arrived on the blog 266 and instantly knew that I was not alone in this challenge of overcoming and surpassing this block being overweight has on the individual. I want and need so badly to get myself over this wall and off this sinking ship of 235 and get to this island of 135. How badly I want this will only be evident in the work I write about and put forth in the days, weeks, months and possibly but hopefully not years to come. I know I am strong, I know I am a force to be reckoned with and I know that 235 will not be a number that beats me because this is my race, my battle and my fight that I WILL WIN!!